Published March 21, 2008
Okay so this was my very first attempt at poetry. Its not very good but I figured I would put myself out there. I want to make it clear that I am not a poet, I'm a fantasy writer. So be gentle 
Also, I know there are punctuation problems but I think it flows better without the commas and such.
"I Saw You Last Night"
I saw you last night
It wasn't a dream.
You stood in the doorway
You looked angry.
I remembered then
It was our anniversary.
I went to touch you,
to ask for forgiveness,
but you turned away
and you were gone.
I saw you last night
It wasn't a dream
You were wearing your red dress.
I smiled and said you looked beautiful.
You smiled back
Thanked me with a kiss
You turned for me zip you
I kissed your neck as my hand slipped up your back.
You giggled and turned to me
but before I could kiss you again
you were gone.
I saw you last night
It wasn't a dream.
Your face was red with anger
I had disappointed you again.
I let my head fall
shamed for causing you pain.
You said you didn't need me anymore.
You said you could do without.
You told me you were leaving.
I chased after you
but you were gone.
I saw you last night,
It was only a dream.
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Canary word: Present
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141,419 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Pretty cool. I know it was said before, but if you use more elaborate vocabulary the poem will be a lot better. Some of the wording also took away from the ending's emotion. Besides that, you did really good for your first poem. I know its hard for a novelist to shift their skills towards poetry, but your piece turned out pretty nicley. Good job.
I really loved this...*sniffles* you painted the portrait of a break-up and a pained soul so well. You made me feel so bad for this guy. I really really am glad that I found this work of art. I loved this. Great job
Good poem. Really emotional.
First off, I think you emphasize the fact that it wasn't a dream a bit too much.
With that said, I think it would be super cool if you decided to make the narrative part, where you're describing what she's doing, more surrealistic or impressionistic, if that makes any sense. And the reason for that is when you tell the reader, "This wasn't a dream" then the reader wonders more whether this could have ever happened, blurring the line between reality and the fantasy world. And that would just be so cool...
So make it surrealistic and see what happens! Something's missing in this poem, as far as zing, and that may be just the thing.
Good start, especially on your first poem!
That was cute
I liked how you repeated some lines to show emphasis. I agree with being more descriptive.
Hey, for your first time, you aren't bad. Just a little practice and you'll be fabulous!
*sniffles*
good poem. could use better description and stuff, sort of what BBB said, but i liked it.
sorry. i'm horrible at reviewing poetry.
*runs away to sob*
Thank You BBB. Your review meant a lot to me. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Awwwh. Why doesn't this have any critiques? I'll change that.
Could you find another word than 'mad'? It's so plain! This is where you can add really good descriptions. Even angry would fit here. Thesaurus.com is your friend. XD
Again, 'red' is such a simple word. Scarlet, ruby for example, would work great here.
*is heartbroken* What a poem! And for your first poem, that was fantastic.
The only real advice I can give you is to use not-so-simple words. Red, mad are just a few examples. Hehe.
This was wonderful.
-Jared